Why Can't You Just be Happy?

I have been exposed to mental illness for the whole of my life. I was very aware of the effects it had on the body and those around you. I wasn't blind by its damaging rages that overtake and control from within. I was so aware...I wanted nothing to do with it.

I hated it and worked my backside off for years avoiding any temptation to be controlled by it. I admit, I aligned with the camp that ranted, "why can't you just be happy?" Yes, I said that. Never to a face. Never injuring a moment. But always in my head over and over. Why can't you just shake it off? You're letting it control you. You're being consumed by it. Just be happy. It's easy.

This ideology produced in me somewhat of a callus and hard response to anything that occurred thereafter. I was so not controlled by my emotions I didn't emote...at all. I remember going on youth retreats and summer camps and watching my surroundings. Teen after teen falling apart and crying because of convictions placed on their hearts and I...didn't. I know at some points I did my best to fall into the category I thought I was supposed to be in. I did hear Him speak at various times. My heart did feel a weight of my sin but I never met face to face with the emotion it was conjuring up.

Fast forward several years and God is working on my heart like opening a vault of stowed treasure. Gently He used circumstances, people, and life to pry open the box that I kept sealed...tight. He exposed parts that had been tucked locked and stored away. Over the course of three or four years He stretched and grew me and I began to feel. I started experiencing emotions. Good...and bad. Like nerves connecting sensors to a limb once void of feeling I began to feel the tingling of experience.

I have in no way been secretive or silent about the struggles of this past half a year. It was a pain I endured and still endure. My heart, though healing still feel twinges of discomfort. And I find myself completely shocked when I still feel sad. When I am consumed with emotion. Gah, those emotions. It happened at a stoplight in front of our favorite Chipotle. It happened when a song came on the radio reminding me of us. It happened when I rediscovered my wedding board on pinterest that we had been pinning to...together. It happened when I passed the 4th of the month...and the 22nd. Then I mentally kick myself all while chastising..."why can't you just be happy?!" For crying out loud! It's been five freaking months. Get over it...be happy.

Then I realize I have just as quickly as I gained them, lost the skills to feel again. I had put on my happy mask from the moment I was injured. I had been "happy." I had sucked it up and in and carried on. Worked my jobs, taught my classes, went about my life. Eventually I would catch up and it would be like it didn't happen. Wrong. It was a nagging feeling that didn't go away. It was as if I was followed by my own rain cloud dimming out the sun. I kept preaching the truth. I kept going hoping it would go away.

Sitting at a stoplight a song came on the radio. Momentarily my whole countenance and attitude seemed to droop and I couldn't put the pieces together. Until I snapped out of my item-crossing, goal-getting, get-things-accomplished mentality to understand why I was suddenly not feeling "myself." It was a song he would sing to me frequently. It was a joke we would both laugh about. It was a funny little thing that I carried in my pocket of memories. Something I hope, one day, will be written over like a computer file. It was then my guilt rose to a level that instigated my self-inflicted rants. Be happy. It's been too long to be bothered. Good grief. Why?

I'll tell you why. For years upon years I hadn't allowed anything to make me feel upset. Now, God had opened my heart to feel the love displayed among His people and simultaneously it was opened to feel the hurt that accompanied it. Again with the analogy above. I had a allowed the files to be written. They were created. And as much as I press the delete button they won't go away unless they are written over. Because those files are still there they will still fire up when initiated. It's bound to happen. And you know what, on top of all this, it's ok to be sad.

Gracious. This truth took me forever to come to but its real. It's ok to be upset, bothered, and yes, SAD about something. I hate it. I really do but it's ok.

My stoplight sermon turned into a dialog between my sensical self and the self that was bothered by the events that just unfolded. My "why can't you just be happy?" seemed to lack conviction. And there I sat, grocery store bound with a complex of magnanimous proportions. I was mad because I felt sad. I was mad because I still felt sad. I was mad because I assumed I had fallen to depression just like I always said I wouldn't. All while telling myself, this isn't a bad thing. Stop being mad about it.

The moments that unfurled after were a mixed mess of prayer and pressure. My heart, though tormented, was lead to a conclusion of mindset shattering magnitude. The being sad isn't the sin. Jesus, fully God...fully...was sad. He bore the weight of a lot of sin around Him and He was sad. He was sad with His disciples' response, He was sad with the destructive evidence of sin around Him, He was sad by the lack of faith that proceeded Him. The difference between what I worked so hard to avoid and the Savior of the world was that this sadness didn't control Him. It was never wrong to feel it. It was wrong to make decisions, take a step, and act in this sadness.

His sadness drove Him to heal, instruct, and love. Yes, love.

I have had several people tell me that my glow has returned. The adjectives they have used were good looking, radiant, joyful. You see, I hadn't fooled anyone but myself. My fake happiness was nothing more than a ploy to keep my mind off of things. My joy was faded for a time and it showed no matter the amount of forced smiles and faux enjoyment of the moments. But the thing that did happen was God took what broke and made it strengthened again. He restored me and returned my joy.

I still struggle with the idea of mental illness. I do. But I can say to someone feeling sad that it's ok to feel that way. Now embrace the truth. Let sadness drive you to healing, in you or someone else, and heal.

I won't preach the, "why can't you be happy?" but I will preach this. The joy of the Lord is my strength...even if you are sad in the moment. Joy will come in the morning. 

Wanna know how I know...? Because, greater is He living in me. In. Me.