These 365 days

I promise.

I really do.

These angsty posts are on the way out the door.

For now, please be patient. I need to sort it out...this is where it happens. You have the freedom to close out the page as quickly and easily as you entered.

365 days. 1 year. A day forever marked as the sweetest and most bitter tasting. Instant flooding of pleasantness followed by blows of pain. A conglomerate dose of joy and weeping. I don't relish in this day or gnaw on it constantly. But I am a numbers person. Dates, days, details, all of it. An equilibrium of blessings and curses.

It is what it is.

But like or not, last year my world was quite different than it is today. All because of one day. One afternoon. One handful of hours helping a friend. Like the hot air pressing on a cold front our worlds collided. That was it.

I'll spare you the icky details but the woman I was after was a very different one than the one that entered. Fighting every tendency and gut feeling to recoil to my ice cold ways, vulnerability was fighting for a place in my life. God had my heart and His great love kept it tender when everything around it seemed to want to harden it.

The irony of the cliche saying "the same water that hardens the egg, softens the potato and flavors the coffee. Which are you?" is that at any given moment with this situation one or all of those things were happening. I was this weird blend of aromatic joy, a hardening yolk, and a softening starch. It was such a blend I wasn't sure what to think or how to address it.

I get this from my momma, but I'm a list person. Love me some lists. So in my sorting this is what I came up with. Sort of like a positive and negative list of something. But with more of an argument.

• Negative = my dreams were on the horizon. I could see them, smell them, and was so close to touching and tasting them. Everything I had desired and prayed for was coming true. And like a bad dream the carefully constructed plans were shattered on the ground like a crystal pitcher while my hands were held behind my back. Nothing I could do about. Nothing. 
• Positive = In reality they weren't your dreams at all. You were making him fit into your dreams the more things progressed. He possessed not love and nurturing for you. You didn't have value in his eyes. He wasn't inconvenienced in cherishing you. He was inconvenienced by you. You weren't sought after by him, you were exhausted by his negligence and emotional inconsistencies. The dreams being sorted and built for you are beautiful, trust me with them.  You won't have to "make" something be ok or fit. 

• Negative = I was so vulnerable, so open, so willing to share my heart with this man. He heard about my struggles. I let him into portions of my heart, dusty from being untouched. He heard my heart cry about my passions. He saw my barred wall slowly crumble, piece by piece. He now carries this information about me and still turned his back.
• Positive = the unveiling of your heart wasn't for him. It was for my glory. You aren't a walking picture of all the scars this sinful world can give you. You are a picture of redemption, healing, and beauty because of me. Share more about what I have done while you have been still in my presence. Never be afraid to share what I have done. Share so others can experience my wholeness and forgiveness and love. Leave him to me. Your story isn't void. My truth was evident in it. He heard. 

• Negative = I really struggle with bitterness now and again. It is a constant nagging, yappy dog at my heals. "He made you think you'd be taken care of." Yap Yap! "Now you have to sort it and take care of it yourself." Yap Yap! I have had to take on jobs, bills, and putting off my house dreams longer because of this whole interaction. 
• Positive = to whom much is given, much is required. Do well, good and faithful servant. Seek peace and pursue it. 

• Negative = Love wasn't supposed to fail. I had trusted Jesus with my heart and loved like I have never loved before. Beyond what I knew I was capable into the uncharted waters of His deep love. Failure wasn't supposed to occur.
• Positive = My love didn't fail. You love others because you loved me. You loved me because you loved others. Still choose Love. 

I am doing ok. Really. This isn't some nasty battle I am constantly in the middle of. Most of the time, correction, the majority of the time my thoughts are on where I am, what I'm involved with, my family, my growing relationships with my church, and my jobs. I am not all consumed by this. 

The biggest theme of this past year has been love. Love when it's easy, love when its hard, love when its nonexistent, Depending on the Maker of love to love through me when I just can't seem to see how this could work. They say love is blind. I don't believe them. Love isn't blind. Infatuation is blind. Love is all-seeing and accepting. Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and trusting Jesus with them while loving anyway. Infatuation is fragile and easily shattered by less-than-ideal circumstances. Love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast and is not proud. It does not dishonor, seek self, or get angry quickly. Love doesn't keep record of wrongs nor delight with evil things but rejoices with the truth. It protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

 Love. Never. Fails.

A lack of returned love doesn't equate failure. Love isn't a magic potion to turn enemies to friends. God, being love Himself, must be in all for love not to fail. And what appears as failure to the human eye has His name written all over it as a restoration project. But that has taken my heart a long time to accept. I had pried my hands off of this thing I had built up around myself and when that confidence was shattered very little of me wanted to love again. Been there, done that. Never going back. But, Love, never, fails.

Friends, my heart had to get here. I am free to love because He loved me. And love never fails. So, I don't have some climactical truth I've reached. I'm not standing on the one year mark with a renewed sense of perspective. He's been refining me for a long time. But I do choose this one thing. I still choose love. Being open, vulnerable, accepting of reproof, love, and nurturing. I still choose love.

Happy, to what everyone else is a normal Monday, Monday. Today I'm praising Him for the scars I have, the pain I've felt, the valleys I've walked through, and the tears I've shed. Without them, without any of it, His LOVE and my utter desperation for it would be a things tucked away. Because of my weaknesses this year I learned how not strong I actually am. But how rich in LOVE He is. So rich.

One of my favorite passages is found in Zephaniah three. The chapter starts with a wayward nation being judged. Over the course of the verses we see a very sad state of people. But that rich LOVE comes in turning hearts to Himself. The chapter closes with some of my all time favorite verses. 

14 Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion; 

 shout, O Israel! 

Rejoice and exult with all your heart, 

 O daughter of Jerusalem! 

15 The Lord has taken away the judgments against you; 

 he has cleared away your enemies. 

The King of Israel, 

the Lord, is in your midst; 

 you shall never again fear evil. 

16 On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: 

“Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak. 

17 The Lord your God is in your midst, 

 a mighty one who will save; 

he will rejoice over you with gladness; 

 he will quiet you by his love; 

he will exult over you with loud singing. 

18 I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, 

 so that you will no longer suffer reproach.

19 Behold, at that time I will deal with all your oppressors. 

And I will save the lame and gather the outcast, 

and I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth. 

20 At that time I will bring you in, 

 at the time when I gather you together; 

for I will make you renowned and praised among all the peoples of the earth, 

when I restore your fortunes before your eyes,” says the Lord.

Favorite verse of all time is verse is verse 17. This verse is my hashtag for any beauty I find in the sky, the promise I remind myself of when I am being stilled, the assurance I have of His absolute love that sings over me. Sings. For crying out loud, He sings over me. 

Be encouraged in this. He is in the building business. He restores to His glory. Sometimes that is a complete gutter project. Other times it is scraping the peeling paint and putting on a fresh coat. He will gather, save, change, bring in, and rejoice over!