I mentioned that I was asked to slay my Isaac. The only difference, I wasn't stopped by an Angel and alerted to a ram in the thicket to take my beloved's place. My knife cut through flesh and I stood there, alone. No one to interfere. No one to change the moments that seemed to fly past me in a moment. Dead.
But that caused me to think. What made me so sure about what I heard anyway? Why do I think I knew what God said? Not about the sacrifice, but the picking it up in the first place.
I hashed through feeling hurt, mad, and even learning to cope without what I pictured but, the one element I didn't address wasn't neglected on purpose but because I was still working through it. You never come to a place of learning something in it's entirety. You just come to realize that it is the Father's gentle hands impressing something on your heart. In my opinion, learning takes on the form of being tender and pliable to the change...not the change itself.
The final element I'm talking about is guilt.
Let me be clear. I don't carry any guilt in my decision about this relationship or my behavior. I held to my convictions and standards. I am standing confident on the other side of this knowing that I didn't handle myself inappropriately. I am a sinful and fallen person but I don't regret or feel guilty about a bit of it.
I struggled with having confidence in what I had heard from God. Had I heard Him correctly? When the hurt and shock wore off I felt and immense weight of guilt about feeling I had somehow interposed what I wanted on where God was leading. That I went my way and didn't heed the wisdom that warned my toes in the other direction. My thoughts and heart were landing somewhere in the neighborhood of guilt and shame that I had wanted this so badly and "made" it happen.
As I begun to unravel the twisted thoughts that crowded my heart and mind I saw some truths that were a balm to my weariness.
If we look at how God spoke to His children in the Bible we see time and time again what could have appeared as them hearing Him wrong. What I discovered was not that.
Sarai and Abram were well up there in years. When they should have been looking into nursing homes they were called to up and leave all they knew for a place God was going to show them. In that call God declares to this 75 year old man that his offspring will inherit the land. His wife was barren. Another 20 years go by and still no fulfillment of what God had told him two decades ago. Sarai, now Sarah, decides to take things into her own hands to bring about what God had said. Maybe that would fix it. But the mess it created only caused more pain and frustration. And in the moments of desparation God shows up. "You remember what I told you all those years ago? About children? I am going to fulfill that...next year." Sure enough twelve months later a very 99 year old Sarah gives birth to Isaac.
The Israelites were finally free. Free to live, eat, dance, create, be! They had been released from the bonds of slavery that had held them captive for so many years. They were on their way with their God to the land He promised them. It was finally happening. They had left Egypt and they were now waiting until God handed the keys to the land to them. They crest the hill to the red sea and halt to see what happens. Then over the hill behind them begins to appear Pharaoh and his men. What had God done? He had rescued them? In flashes of fire and parting seas the Israelites, through their whining, again, are free.
For years upon years the story was the same. Prophet after prophet gave the same news. A messiah was coming. They had a description, where he was to be born, and signs to look for. There was so many details focused around him...there was just no him to be had. Then, silence. God didn't interact at all. 400 years of nothing. So much promise. So much anticipation. And nothing. Then the birth of His Son brings a connection between His people and the years of information, silence, and Himself.
Samuel questioned God all the way across the pasture. This can't be the king of Isreal. As he poured the oil on the young boy's head every thought passed through his mind. Obedience won in the end and Samuel anointed the God-called king, David. This ruddy boy was far from seeing the throne and in fact spent most of the next part of his life fleeing to save it from his father-in-law, and current king. Every moment hiding, running, darting was littered with thoughts of doubt that God had actually called him to this. Why wasn't he king? Years on the run and eventually this 8 year old shepherd, now a man, sat on the throne.
So was there a communication glitch between God and Abram? Did the Israelites dream up the promised land? Were the prophets enjoying telling stories fit for bed time and little else? Did Samuel act on impulse?
God wasn't revealing these tidbits to them just to watch them wrestle with what He had told them for years on end.
I can't begin to describe or understand the ways and purposes of God. But the time in between the information being given and the fulfillment of what He said He brought about details and events that greater elevated His glory. He had a 99 year old woman laugh as she welcomed a new life. Not her grandchild, but her child. He had an entire people stand on the threshold of the promise simply for His glory to show one last time before the eyes of Pharaoh. 10 plagues weren't enough. A piller of fire and walls of water ought to do it just before he met his demise. He is serious about what He says. He had so many pieces come in to place over such a long period of time so that when this baby was placed in Mary's arms His conception and birth had already fulfilled so many prophecies that it was unmistakable God was in this. God spared David's life time and time again. God used David in Saul's life time and time again. God had a plan for the not yet king, even if it was just for us to read today.
So for me to sit and think that I was wrong about hearing God is false.
Let me be clear, there was so much peace entering this past relationship. I didn't once have a moment of shaky questioning. I knew God was in this. So did I hear Him Wrong? No, my friends. I don't know what plan God had through all this. I really don't. I can tell you what I've learned. I can tell you how I've grown. I can tell you the God-sized ways He has held my heart like only He can. But I don't know what He has planned and desired through all this.
We aren't puppets. We weren't played like toys. God, however, has a plan for our pain. He will take these choices and make them beautiful for Him.
In Bible study the other night someone spoke up to say something that impacted me.
Meaning that even if our obedience NEVER ever produces anything we need to relish the joy of just having obeyed what He said. That's it. Even if we never have fruit to hold.
I can't profoundly express to you where God is headed with this or why I heard what I did or why my heart has had to endure. But I can tell you this. My God has stayed hands, parted waters, brought new life to geriatrics, came in a pillar of fire, and was born in a manger just so His glory could shine a bit brighter. All so one heart might be tender to Him, one doubter be made soft, the One be made famous.
Take heart, He has overcome the world. You heart may be hurting. You may not be able to see it and it may be very easy to second guess what "He said." But please remind yourself, He's overcome and His glory will shine.
I hashed through feeling hurt, mad, and even learning to cope without what I pictured but, the one element I didn't address wasn't neglected on purpose but because I was still working through it. You never come to a place of learning something in it's entirety. You just come to realize that it is the Father's gentle hands impressing something on your heart. In my opinion, learning takes on the form of being tender and pliable to the change...not the change itself.
The final element I'm talking about is guilt.
Let me be clear. I don't carry any guilt in my decision about this relationship or my behavior. I held to my convictions and standards. I am standing confident on the other side of this knowing that I didn't handle myself inappropriately. I am a sinful and fallen person but I don't regret or feel guilty about a bit of it.
I struggled with having confidence in what I had heard from God. Had I heard Him correctly? When the hurt and shock wore off I felt and immense weight of guilt about feeling I had somehow interposed what I wanted on where God was leading. That I went my way and didn't heed the wisdom that warned my toes in the other direction. My thoughts and heart were landing somewhere in the neighborhood of guilt and shame that I had wanted this so badly and "made" it happen.
As I begun to unravel the twisted thoughts that crowded my heart and mind I saw some truths that were a balm to my weariness.
If we look at how God spoke to His children in the Bible we see time and time again what could have appeared as them hearing Him wrong. What I discovered was not that.
Sarai and Abram were well up there in years. When they should have been looking into nursing homes they were called to up and leave all they knew for a place God was going to show them. In that call God declares to this 75 year old man that his offspring will inherit the land. His wife was barren. Another 20 years go by and still no fulfillment of what God had told him two decades ago. Sarai, now Sarah, decides to take things into her own hands to bring about what God had said. Maybe that would fix it. But the mess it created only caused more pain and frustration. And in the moments of desparation God shows up. "You remember what I told you all those years ago? About children? I am going to fulfill that...next year." Sure enough twelve months later a very 99 year old Sarah gives birth to Isaac.
The Israelites were finally free. Free to live, eat, dance, create, be! They had been released from the bonds of slavery that had held them captive for so many years. They were on their way with their God to the land He promised them. It was finally happening. They had left Egypt and they were now waiting until God handed the keys to the land to them. They crest the hill to the red sea and halt to see what happens. Then over the hill behind them begins to appear Pharaoh and his men. What had God done? He had rescued them? In flashes of fire and parting seas the Israelites, through their whining, again, are free.
For years upon years the story was the same. Prophet after prophet gave the same news. A messiah was coming. They had a description, where he was to be born, and signs to look for. There was so many details focused around him...there was just no him to be had. Then, silence. God didn't interact at all. 400 years of nothing. So much promise. So much anticipation. And nothing. Then the birth of His Son brings a connection between His people and the years of information, silence, and Himself.
Samuel questioned God all the way across the pasture. This can't be the king of Isreal. As he poured the oil on the young boy's head every thought passed through his mind. Obedience won in the end and Samuel anointed the God-called king, David. This ruddy boy was far from seeing the throne and in fact spent most of the next part of his life fleeing to save it from his father-in-law, and current king. Every moment hiding, running, darting was littered with thoughts of doubt that God had actually called him to this. Why wasn't he king? Years on the run and eventually this 8 year old shepherd, now a man, sat on the throne.
So was there a communication glitch between God and Abram? Did the Israelites dream up the promised land? Were the prophets enjoying telling stories fit for bed time and little else? Did Samuel act on impulse?
God wasn't revealing these tidbits to them just to watch them wrestle with what He had told them for years on end.
I can't begin to describe or understand the ways and purposes of God. But the time in between the information being given and the fulfillment of what He said He brought about details and events that greater elevated His glory. He had a 99 year old woman laugh as she welcomed a new life. Not her grandchild, but her child. He had an entire people stand on the threshold of the promise simply for His glory to show one last time before the eyes of Pharaoh. 10 plagues weren't enough. A piller of fire and walls of water ought to do it just before he met his demise. He is serious about what He says. He had so many pieces come in to place over such a long period of time so that when this baby was placed in Mary's arms His conception and birth had already fulfilled so many prophecies that it was unmistakable God was in this. God spared David's life time and time again. God used David in Saul's life time and time again. God had a plan for the not yet king, even if it was just for us to read today.
So for me to sit and think that I was wrong about hearing God is false.
Let me be clear, there was so much peace entering this past relationship. I didn't once have a moment of shaky questioning. I knew God was in this. So did I hear Him Wrong? No, my friends. I don't know what plan God had through all this. I really don't. I can tell you what I've learned. I can tell you how I've grown. I can tell you the God-sized ways He has held my heart like only He can. But I don't know what He has planned and desired through all this.
We aren't puppets. We weren't played like toys. God, however, has a plan for our pain. He will take these choices and make them beautiful for Him.
In Bible study the other night someone spoke up to say something that impacted me.
"At the basic level, we need to find joy in the obedience."
Meaning that even if our obedience NEVER ever produces anything we need to relish the joy of just having obeyed what He said. That's it. Even if we never have fruit to hold.
I can't profoundly express to you where God is headed with this or why I heard what I did or why my heart has had to endure. But I can tell you this. My God has stayed hands, parted waters, brought new life to geriatrics, came in a pillar of fire, and was born in a manger just so His glory could shine a bit brighter. All so one heart might be tender to Him, one doubter be made soft, the One be made famous.
Take heart, He has overcome the world. You heart may be hurting. You may not be able to see it and it may be very easy to second guess what "He said." But please remind yourself, He's overcome and His glory will shine.
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