Raw

I have wrestled with actually posting this. I confess I am master disguiser of my true emotions. I have learned the art of knowing the truth, focussing on that, and shoving everything so far out of the way it becomes a distant and nagging memory. I am learning that there is healing in my vulnerability. That God uses the replaying thoughts in my heart. That He can transform and use the tears...and pain.

I don't know what this will look like. I can say what it won't be. It will not be an ex-shaming post. This isn't about him. This is about what the Father is imprinting on my heart and writing for the future. I have family and close friends in my life to talk through the experiences of the last few months. This is not the platform for that. It is however a place to reveal the magnitude of my Savior's grace in something trivial like an ended relationship. That this hurt isn't untouchable by my Father. He doesn't stand aloof from broken hearts and promises. I can ensure this, it will be real, honest, and raw. I want to proclaim what He is doing and to do that I am compelled to express what I have been working through, feeling, and really thinking. I wish more than anything that this would turn out to be a well-thought out post with a great ending and thought provoking material. It will most likely look like word vomit. Very real, messy, regurgitation of the last few months. There's a picture for you! 

It isn't exactly a secret that a few months ago my 2016 was going to look very different. My summer had taken a dramatic turn and my upcoming months were being abstractly put together with words like engagement, marriage, and forever. Due to various events all of that came to a catastrophic end in November. The week that we are called to remember what we are thankful for and I was left picking up the pieces of a now non-exsistent relationship with nothing but the blank look in his eyes and the blank space that was left when he did. I wouldn't be honest if I said that I was surprised. Events, behavior, words, were all leading up to it. But I had categorized so much as typical relationship woes. It was really evidence of decay at the roots. I was laboriously holding on, onto something that was unraveling under my fingers. 

There was so much that crowded my thoughts and processing in the days that followed. I kept thinking hoping I would wake from this nightmare. That I would roll over to a good morning text and it would have been a monster in my dreams. Nothing more. 

The raging storm of hurt and confusion quieted down and the as the dust settled it revealed a gigantic question mark. How long had I lived in a fool's paradise? When did his "I love you's" become reverberations of my own as opposed to reciprocals? At what point did he look at me and not think, "I'm going to marry this girl."? My heart actually felt every tinge of pain and it winced at the encounter. I posted earlier about how loving, really loving, had brought me to a place of total exposure. I had removed my casket of security and instead grasped my Father's hand and progressed, in faith, really loving another person. I am not even addressing the romantic side of this. No. I am talking about the love that comes in when patience, kindness, and selflessness are called. For the first time I can recall, other than with my immediate family, I had been transparent and real. Opening myself up for growth, healing, and connection. Now I stood on the other side completely questioning every occurrence. What had I done?

As I sorted through my notebooks and prayer journal yesterday I had to weed through painful reminder after painful reminder that I have had to lay down something very precious. As much as I loved that man there is so much more to my grieving. I had to lay to rest a whole bunch of dreams and plans. The desires the Lord had placed on my heart years ago were coming to a reality and that reality met a crushing blow. There were no survivors. I had to say goodbye. I was asked to sacrifice my Isaac except there was not a ram in the thicket.

For the first time in a little over a month I felt the first tinges of anger. I tried at first. Within the first week I remember texting my cousin in utter exasperation. Only to be brought to tears and brokenness. This time was different. I actually felt mad. Mad at him, mad at what happened, mad at me, mad at God for letting it happen. When I started fleshing out what exactly I was mad about I broke. It was ok to be mad. Upset. Totally bugged. At him? Yes. At what happened? Absolutely. But at me? No. Not ok. That is how I ended up so hard in the first place. Mad at God. Absolutely not. He didn't bring this about. He didn't play us like puppets. He hurt because I hurt and because He came to give me abundant life the enemy can't steal, kill, or destroy my joy. My joy. From Him.

I slowly ripped the pages from this journal yesterday. No tears...until later. As my fingers shuffled through the pages that, in my typical accounting-type personality way, contained every detail of the last half a year I couldn't help but rejoice that this day, God made. And as I flipped the page, this one, He made too. And the next, and the next, and the next. From the good, all the way to today. He made each one and sitting there in my closet holding half ripped pages of my recent history I had the choice to rejoice and be glad it them or scab over, again, and grow bitter.

So friends, in a rather odd way I want to wish you all a happy new year. My heart, though weak, is healing and recovering beautifully. Each day I will rejoice and be glad in the 24 hours He has made. I can only pray that He enables me to live them fully to Him. He will be glorified.

There is where AH is starting 2016. Happy New Year! Looking forward to sharing it with you in the pages to come!

In closing I'll leave you with two verses that for lack of better terms I will be claiming this year as mine! The Lord has impressed them on my heart and I desire to seek to live them fully.

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

Luke 1:46-47

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalm 118:24